If I Knew Then What I Know Now

It’s an old saying you generally overhear old timers say in the pub “If I knew then what I know now” When I’d overhear this in my glass collecting days as a teenager I never understood what it meant, but imagine knowing what you know now – as a baby.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now
Daniel as an old man

Imagine a giant fidgeting with you when you couldn’t be bothered, or wiping your face with a tissue they’ve just spat on, or moving you to a sleeping position THEY thought you’d be more comfortable in while you were dozing.

Imagine you’ve just dropped a duece in your pants only for the same giant come into your room, bumble around in the dark, stripping you naked and smearing your own poop further up your back using freezing cold wet wipes no less. You’d be forgiven for thinking if was a military torture tactic.

Imagine smiling at strangers in the vain hope they give you food only to hear the classic – “Aww, what a happy baby he is!” Sorry mate, but that wasn’t what the smile was all about. GIVE. ME. FOOD.

Imagine being able to lie in as long as you wabt everyday and your parents celebrate the fact when you do?!

Imagine having a nice, square meal and you’re gently lulling off back to sleep when the lumbering giant thrusts you upright and pats/rubs your back spouting rubbish about “the windy wallops”. It’s like they’re getting the dregs out a flipping tomato sauce bottle. Then they’re up in arms when you’re sick all over them. What’s that all about?!

As a matter of fact, if I cried as much as a baby did people would surely question my erratic behaviour.

To be honest, being a baby means you’ve pretty much got it made. You’re fed when you’re hungry, lulled to sleep when you’re tired. You can even be a total poo pants and people still coo over you while wiping your backside.

**Leaves to ponder moving back in with his Mam and becoming one of those adult babies**


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